Adults can’t seem to get the job done in our country anymore. So in light of #NeverTrump and recent events in the nominating process in our tempestuous two-party system, I offer a clear, definitive, and completely viable alternative to the Trump-Clinton circus that’s about to overrun America this fall.
Meet Leo, the perfect baby. And here are the reasons to vote for him come November.
1. My baby made me forget about this absurd political season.
Nothing else could be more important. This alone qualifies him. Since mama went into labor, my musing about Trump’s hair, Clinton’s screech, Bernie’s hair, Ted’s soprano squeal, and Marco’s man-stilettos has reduced by 99%. An instant cleansing. Think of the peace that would slowly envelop our nation if the news cycle was simply repeated views of this:
2. My baby actually DOES have small hands, and everyone loves him for it.
While certain candidates have made the most awkward comments about appendages and male anatomy, my kid with his 1.5-inch long hands has gotten nothing but compliments, especially from some very eligible bachelorettes who demand to squeeze his chubby mitts and puffy palms.
3. My baby has no private email server that contains top secret government correspondence.
He doesn’t even use email. The only thing he can possibly leak is his diaper.
The best I can tell, the only form of expression he has are the kissy lips in the header photo in this article (along with a few cries and coos here and there).
4. My baby is environmentally friendly: he is a completely renewable resource.
In 20 to 30 years another one of him will likely pop out of a womb just like he did. By this point in the article, you’re in love with him so just imagine 5, 10, maybe 15 more of him in another generation. That’s up to 15 times more fun!
5. His hair is more bizarre than The Donald’s, and it’s wilder than Bernie’s.
6. My arms already #feelthebern #feeltheburn.
Back in 2009 I set a personal record for dumbbell curls at the gym. Now, I can’t even hold this seven-pound kid for more than 20 minutes without screaming for that oh-so-dorky, parent-nerd-qualified Ergobaby carrier. Babies are the most unbalanced lumps of dead weight anyone could dare suspend at chest height for absurd amounts of time. If they weren’t so cuddly otherwise, people would probably just duct tape them to the tops of their bellies and be done with it.
7. He won’t do any of the things you would hate a president to do.
He won’t raise your taxes. He won’t make policies that send your jobs overseas. He won’t send any of our young men or other babies to war. He won’t cut your social security benefits. He won’t build a 30-foot wall adjacent to your abuela’s backyard.
He’s a baby. He can’t do those things. He wouldn’t even be able to sign anything by the time he’s four years old in 2020, and by then I won’t let him run for re-election.
8. And did I mention those kissy lips?
See the header image of this post again. ‘Nuff said.
[In all seriousness, The Marriage Abbey officially supports voting with a principled conscience that has deeply meditated over the issues facing our country. This November might be tough for some voters but if you don’t like what’s in store for 2016, consider joining an organization that can affect the politics of 2020. Leo is depending on it—he has a much longer future here than I do. And maybe he’ll run for president one day when he reaches the age of candidacy. He’ll certainly be as cute then as he is now.]